


expo 86

by chieux



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25160299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chieux/pseuds/chieux
Summary: It doesn’t take much to imagine how it would be if the position switched—Suga no longer against his side, but under him. Creating scenarios is uncharted territory as Daichi has never let his thoughts travel this far before, but the more he tries to stop them the more aware of them he is. The sweat that drips off Suga's hair is no longer from practise; that vanilla smell is no longer restricted to his own skin.alternatively titled: daichi is not as ace as he thinks he is
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	expo 86

Even with college, Daichi finds himself busy between the work, volleyball and volunteering. Sometimes there’s barely enough time in the day to eat before bed, let alone indulge in idle thoughts. He knows that sleep is crucial to surviving the year but knowledge and willpower isn’t enough to override his own body. Even if sexual thoughts make him uncomfortable and hesitant, it doesn’t seem to slow his hormones down. It’s always worse when he’s tense, as if his body has found a punishment for how far he’s managed to push it again. Or at least that was what Daichi used to think, back when he knew even less about himself and heard Tanaka coach others on “stress relief” one too many times. As he grows older, it’s even harder to convince himself that it’s purely biological—he’s analyst by nature, naturally versed in the psychology of everyone around him. Unfortunately, this insight has recently started to spread to his own behaviour and thoughts. The patterns have started to shift in his mind, all connecting and entwining until it’s impossible to remain ignorant any more.

He’s spent the day with Suga, as he has every time this has happened for the past few years.

It wasn’t as frequent before, maybe once in a blue moon, but recently he’s realised it’s quickly passing the ‘more than monthly’ milestone—the fact milestones are being created is alarming in itself. It’s not even like Suga really does anything, which is all the more confusing to Daichi. On the days that Suga does manage to convince his captain to take a break, they often spend the time watching the dramas that Daichi’s come to somewhat obsess over. It’s nice to watch how happy other people are with themselves and their romantic endeavours—in all honesty part of him knows he’s become the epitome of vicarious living, but he pretends otherwise when Suga sighs over the boring parts. He often wonders what Suga makes of the relationships they’re watching, but the man seems to spend more time teasing Daichi than answering seriously. It only confuses him further, always self-conscious that he’s the only person who seems to take romance and sex so personally and awkwardly. He can’t bring himself to ask Suga if he’s always just as stressed; he can’t bring himself to be anything less than everyone’s expectations of him. The worst had been when Michimiya finally said something and the whole team had decided that they were all going to say something about it, harmless hits to the back coupled with “obviously you two had a thing! ” Daichi had agonised over whether it was obvious—did he have a thing for her? Was he supposed to know he did?

When he’d finally found the words to express his regrets, Daichi was even more surprised to find that he’d been more upset by the whole process than she had.

Confessions still pop up sometimes and they are still as emotionally draining as ever. He usually goes back to Suga’s afterwards to recharge, frowning to himself as the man comments that “ of course they probably thought that, you’re too friendly! ” Friendly isn’t romantic to Daichi and he doesn’t understand how everyone else seems to translate it into flirting. Still, it’s nothing that another marathon of dramas hasn’t ever fixed—at least until now. The drama marathons seem to be part of the problem, especially when the quality of this season has been so poor. Even Daichi has to agree with Suga’s critiques, which are often negatively biased from the onset. He can’t lose himself in something with a terrible plot, attention falling elsewhere. That elsewhere seems to be on the warmth of Suga next to him, always comforted by the minimal touching. Daichi doesn’t think he’s someone who is desperate for affection, but there is something so reassuringly human about being next to his best friend. It’s only natural to lean against each other, often nudging one another until Suga realises Daichi is being sappy again and idly wraps an arm around his shoulders. Thinking of that makes Daichi smile in a mixture of embarrassment and adoration, always grateful of how much his best friend cares about him. Suga is always giving him reassuring smiles, comforting the spiker just that little more than anyone else manages to.

It’s not just that; he enjoys Suga’s smile on an aesthetic level too. The man is too pretty for his own good, especially with how his eyes contrast against the lightness of his hair. They somehow manage to look warmer than anyone else’s, as if there’s another layer of depth that Daichi wants to reach before anyone else can. Even his eyebrows just add to the look, thick and yet far more expressiveness than anyone else’s. He knows that everyone in the world probably comments on Suga’s mole too, but he can’t help adoring that too. There have been times when he’s brushed a thumb over it, always when Suga is upset or in need of a softer touch and warmer words. Touch alone gives no indication that it’s there, but Daichi could chart a map of Suga without any visual cues. He’s spent far too much of his time watching the setter’s face, whether it be to share good memories or desperately seek out reassurance for the bad. Even today, Daichi had been amazed at how gracefully the man would laugh at the spiker’s despair. It doesn’t matter if Suga is laughing to tease or out of nowhere—he always looks like he’s in control of his facial expressions, as if he means to fill the room with warmth and reassurance. More than that, he manages to incorporate aspects of femininity into his appearance in a way that accentuates how beautiful his features already are. Daichi is reminded of this when he least expects it, in ways that twist his chest until it's momentarily paralysing. It’s when Suga passes him a drink from the vending machine, adjusts his scarf another inch or takes an extra second to think about how to answer a question. All these fleeting moments seem to stick with him, reflecting upon them when his thoughts start to tentatively explore the boundaries of sexuality. He never actively tries to think about Suga—if anything, Daichi spends a lot of his time trying to avoid thinking about anyone. He still isn’t comfortable with masturbation, and the idea of thinking about someone with sexual connotations is the same as using them to him. Usually it’s nothing a sharp hand to the face won’t rectify, but even his embarrassment isn’t enough to stop him.

Suga is all-consuming.

Sometimes, when they’re so exhausted from practise that boundaries don’t exist any more, Suga ends up resting his head against Daichi’s. It hasn’t happened in a while, but Daichi’s mind can recall it as if it’s a current reality. He’s fallen asleep next to Suga on many occasions, even more so now that he’s always exhausted from how many responsibilities he’s taken on in college. His best friend never seems to mind if he drifts off to sleep in the middle of a movie or watching a volleyball match, soothed by the unmistakable smell of Suga. He knows that vanilla is an artificial flavour, but it’s somehow seems natural—as if his hair has always been scented that way. It seems to seep into his skin too, noticeable when Suga ruffles his hair to gently wake him up again. Suga is mostly soft, a fact he also knows well. In turn, he’s touched the man’s hair countless times, always amazed by how different the texture is to his own. Even when they’re covered in sweat from a match, Suga manages to present as if such a look is natural. Somewhere along the line his thoughts don’t match up completely; one moment he’s envious of Suga’s beauty; the other he’s reminded of how the setter’s hair feels against his cheek, tickling and teasing. It doesn’t take much to imagine how it would be if the position switched—Suga no longer against his side, but under him. Creating scenarios is uncharted territory as Daichi has never let his thoughts travel this far before, but the more he tries to stop them the more aware of them he is. The sweat that drips off his hair is no longer from practise; that vanilla smell is no longer restricted to his own skin.

It doesn’t just end with Suga under him; that’s only the start. Daichi is far more captivated by how pale the setter is in comparison. Daichi seems to bask in the summer sun, heritage insuring the rays never do much more than add a darker layer to his skin. On the other hand, he knows Suga will burn easily—so much so that Daichi has to remind him to take breaks and reprimand him in the captain voice he’s less comfortable using against the setter now they’re older. The knowledge of how badly Suga reacts to heat is another weapon his mind uses against him, picking past images of sunburn and twisting them so that Daichi has become the sun to his skin. Part of him knows where this is heading but most of him is too startled by his own imagination to stop, dissociating from his own soft pants and instead translating them into Suga’s instead. He knows the shape and size of the setter’s body, having touched thousands of inches of it; but there’s places he hasn’t touched, and his hands suddenly ache for them. Suga may be small in comparison but it doesn’t make him any less attractive. He’s spent hours watching the setter move, keeping the man company long after Daichi’s own practise has finishing. Suga may be humble about his abilities but Daichi has seen him move with the kind of fluidity that can only be achieved with a perfect balance of weight and height. It’s the kind of fluidity that translates well into Daichi’s scenario, breath hitching and whining as he imagines the setter’s body wrapped around his; he wants to experience all these new unknowns.

More than that, he actually wants Suga to touch him too. Although he could spend all day mesmerized by the setter’s soft skin, he knows that there are harder aspects to him too. Suga has poured hours into being a setter, something that makes Daichi’s heart flutter far more than anything else. He knows how the volleyballs erode skin over time, as if to mark progress with calloused almost-scars. While Daichi’s forearms have long since lost their sensitivity, he’s managed to keep his hands relatively soft. The same can’t be said for Suga, who has little choice but to constantly handle the ball. It’s only when he considers this that he finally moves to touch himself, hoping the guilt will absolve itself later. It’s normal— he reassures himself, thinking of how often his teammates have spoken of their own fantasies. It’s normal— because he’s read a Yahoo article about how men can think about other men without it meaning anything; it’s just a thing that people do. The fact he’s even had to research something to set his mind at ease should be enough of a worry for him to realise why he’s so focused on Suga—but it isn’t. Instead, all the justifications and reasons are drowned out by his previous thoughts. His fingers aren’t thin enough to be comparable to Suga’s, but the sensation is more than enough. Everything adds up in his mind, combining all the different aspects until the panic in his mind is inaudible. It’s all suddenly heat and sweat, face half-pressed into the pillow in an attempt to muffle how pathetic his breathing is now. He wants Suga , a demand his mind is happy to oblige to. It doesn’t take much longer for Daichi to finish, brain focused on so many things at once that it’s overwhelming.

There’s a couple of seconds where everything feels kind of okay. He’s able to breathe again, mind blank and peaceful. Part of him hopes that it will stay that way and he won’t feel guilty about this, but that just seems to trigger him into remembering that he’s supposed to feel terrible anyway. The horrible seasick feeling in his stomach makes him sit up instantly, lightheaded and fumbly. He runs his hands through his hair in shock, slapping his face a few times before just giving up and groaning into his palms. The sweat seems to dry too quickly, making his skin feel icy cold but he’s too frustrated to do anything about it. Daichi is good at reading other people and he’s starting to get better at reading himself, but this—whatever this is—is still far beyond his comprehension. How can he keep telling himself this is normal platonic behaviour? How is he supposed to look at Suga during practise tomorrow? How can one man be so pathetic when it comes to self control, something that Daichi is supposed to be an expert in? Being a teenager was difficult, but being an adult is a hundred times worse. There’s a brief second where he considers texting Suga anyway—not about this, because this does not exist beyond the next hour of panicking—but about anything else his mind can possibly come up with. He wants reassurance, although he isn’t sure what he wants reassurance about. Whatever the case, he knows Suga can soothe him without having to know the subject matter, and maybe that’s just the problem. He groans into his palms once more, far more frustrated this time as some of the anger starts to bleed through. Daichi can only stand another second of sitting around before he pushes himself off the bed, freaked out by the drying cum he’s managed to spread across himself. He’s running the shower within minutes, purposely setting it to freezing and feeling far more cleaner as his skin breaks out in goosebumps and shivers under the water.

Another milestone.

**Author's Note:**

> i started reuploading my old fics that i hastily deleted a couple of years ago, so if this seems familiar, that's why! 
> 
> if you want to talk about daisuga or have prompts you can drop an ask at [my tumblr](https://chieux.tumblr.com/)


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